HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!

This is a very beautiful, sincere, realistic and emotional letter. Life is not an easy process, but it is a very challenging journey, full of surprises along the way, and it is true we should take each moment at the time, and keep going. I am grateful for every day that is given to me. Only with faith, hope and perseverance we can move forward. Thank you very much for your beautiful thoughts. God bless you always.

Your friend is so incredibly lucky to have you in her life. this email you sent her is very beautifully written. From the start you had captivated me in your words.I do not even know how to put into words the abuse I lived with in my 18 y marriage ..it took me 18 yrs to realize I was abused..emotionally sexually, financially and physically. i was not beaten by his hand black and blue but by his words. He broke me down to the nothing he made me feel. I was so lonely in the marriage as I am alone now out of it. I see my strengths but still feel the pain in the memories left ingrained in my mind.
i too was diagnosed PTSD..previoulsy anorexic( but not underweight). My mind tells me it wasnt THAT bad but my counselor tells me different..she said i lived in hell...I have a hard time believing it was ..I have struggle with numb feelings that make me feel like i am not normal compared to other people. Those lies fill my head but are slowly becoming less..its an endless cycle strength ..and again the memories resurface and the pain IS still there.
I will be 43 ..Jan 31 and i am still searching for that feeling of wholeness..happiness and fullillment and belonging and wonder if I will ever find it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE&ob=av2e

This song brings me back to the moment my ex husband treated me like I w as a nobody ..neglected me ..used me..abused didnt car about me..this song for me brings me right back to the day hmade me feel like I was nothing. This song for me reminds me that God created me and he loves me..he has given me strength to keep moving when my world was falling apart. the memories are in the song ..music is very hard for me to listen to.

I hope to someday be like you and have hope...because somedays I keep moving forward still feeling numb.

Hi, anonymousgirl.

I understand all too well how you feel. I have been my parents' and siblings' target, scapegoat, and sacrificial victim since the moment I was conceived - literally. I was "an accident," the unwanted, the unlovable, the unworthy - and I continued my association with abusers well into adulthood, finally understanding that we are all too often more comfortable with what is familiar than what is good for us - the "nice" guys just made me uneasy - I didn't understand what I was seeing. I was told day in and out by my family (and still am to this very day) that there was nothing I could ever do to be good enough to be accepted and loved by them; I took them at their word and didn't bother to try. I was (am) so completely rejected by my family members, it actually freed me to an extent - there was no way they could emotionally blackmail me because there was nothing left to withhold from me which allowed me a degree of objectivity. And I studied them - I have studied them and all my subsequent abusers for 61 years now, and know them better than they know themselves - know their mindsets, motives, methods, techniques, and games.

I have been married and divorced three times and finally figured out after #3 that I simply was not good at picking appropriate partners. I didn't feel that there were enough years left to me at that point to completely overhaul my criteria because it would just take up too much of my time, so I "retired" from the relationship scene a couple of decades ago. One psychologist I was seeing just prior to divorcing #2 told me in session one day, "You really must stop marrying your lab rats!" (LOL!) He was right - I truly was more drawn to my partners because I could see something familiar in them that I didn't quite understand - I was actually still studying the dynamics and mechanics of abuse - and I learn best on the job - I can't just hear or read about things - oh, no - I have to experience them - have to know what it looks like, sounds like, feels like...sigh...hard on the old psyche; but, although these experiences have exacted a great price physically, emotionally, and even financially, the value of what I have learned and can share with others far exceeds the price I have paid - and am still paying. I live with my cat, and we're just fine. Actually, I am well-suited for a solitary life. I only learned in the past couple of years that I have "severe" adult ADHD/ADD split pretty much 50/50 plus just a dash of OCD (this explains a LOT in my life); so, living with other people always drove me nuts - sometimes I drive me nuts! Anyway, living alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. But, it all depends on the individual.

Anyway, one of the most important things I have learned about abuse is that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the primary target (I hate using the word "victim"). EVERYTHING in the abuser's world is about the abuser's never-ending pursuit of a sense of Power, Dominance, Superiority, Authority, and Control over everyone and everything within their grasp by any means necessary and at any cost to anyone other than themselves. Most importantly, since their own identities are so damaged, they are unable to value themselves and must seek validation of their worthiness to exist from others; therefore, controlling how others perceive and assign value to them is paramount. AND, they MUST control how others perceive their primary targets, always portraying them to others as being "less than" themselves to enhance how other perceive and assign value to the abusers in comparison to the wretchedness of their primary targets. They also portray their targets to others in a depracating manner in order to manipulate others into abusing their targets for them which provides the abusers with further justification for abusing their primary targets in the first place - it's something of a weird, circular or eliptical illogic.

Who abusers select as their primary targets is usually a matter of convenience - whoever is within their grasp and easily accessible. No matter how the abuse is inflicted (physically, verbally, sexually), it is intended to destroy the target's identity - the target's perception of self, of the abuser, of reality itself. The abuser creates and forcibly imposes on the primary target a false identity defined by the abuser to serve the abuser's purposes, mainly to justify abusing the target. Abusers live by the philosophy, "I can deceive and manipulate others into perceiving me as thus; therefore, I am." With regard to their primary targets, "I can deceive and manipulate others into perceiving you as thus; therefore, you are." They MUST diminish others in order to elevate themselves. And abusers always blame their targets for the abusers' behaviors because they don't want to be held responsible for their misbehaviors - "If you were a better person, I would treat you better." Rubbish!

In essence, abusers operate on the assumption that truth and reality do not exist separate and apart from perception, but are mere products of perception; so, controlling how others perceive truth and reality makes them masters of the universe - or at least they feel that way - and that is the "fix" they're after to counter the fathomless pit of feelings within them of inferiority, impotency, helplessness, incompetence, unworthiness that they are too terrified to face which threaten to devour them kicking and screaming. And, since they assume that truth and reality are mere products of perception, then any means they employ to achieve the desired perception is justifiable - in other words, if they succeed in manipulating others into perceiving and valuing them as good, honest, respectable people, then it isn't possible for them as good, honest, respectable people to do anything wrong. Believe me - the depth and breadth of the abuser's logical disconnects and contradictory self-delusions is mind-boggling!

No matter how popular, friendly, respectable, caring, and loving they may APPEAR as they masquerade about in their false public personae, abusers actually abuse EVERYONE either through deception and manipulation, or coercion and intimidation. ALL must submit to their twisted whims and wills - and those who refuse to submit no matter what must be defamed, discredited, and destroyed (the latest buzz word is "bullying" - nothing but the same old abuse) because they pose a mortal threat to the abuser - the abuser cannot control how such rebels might portray the abuser to others thereby possibly depriving the abuser of the validation they obtain from others on which the abuser's very existence depends.

The only value any other human being has to an abuser is determined by the extent to which that person can be USED by the abuser in service to the abuser's self-interests. Period. Abusers do not have relationships in the way most of us understand them; instead, they form "alliances" with those who are abusers like them and/or those who are easily controlled by them - and this includes spouses, children, other family members and relatives, acquaintances, co-workers, pets...everyone is "property" having no value other than that assigned to it by the abuser. It's something like, "If you love me, then you will protect me from being exposed as an abuser, and/or you will allow me to use and abuse you according to my needs at any given moment." Abusers have no boundaries; therefore, they do not acknowledge or respect any other person's boundaries. They NEED access, and everything they say and do, whether nice or not, is designed to obtain access to their targets - like I said, by any means necessary.

I could go on and on - this is only the tip of the iceburg of knowledge I have gained from my experiences. Again, I say to you, anonymousgirl, and ALL abuse targets - YOU ALONE possess the power and authority to define your identity and determine your destiny. NO ONE else possesses the omniscience or omnipotence to tell you who you are or who you will become. The abuse inflicted on you by your abuser has nothing to do with your true identity - your true self - that is for you alone to define, nurture, and develop according to your own intentions and purposes to the extent that it causes no harm to others. NO ONE has any real power and authority over you that you do not give them. In a cooperative society, we allow our mutually-agreed-upon laws, rules, codes, and certain individuals authorized to act according to those laws, rules, and codes, to have power and authority over us all for the sake of all - but even this is by our negotiation and agreement. NO ONE has the right to forcibly impose their unwarranted, unjust, unauthorized, self-serving will on us to our detriment.

Each and every one of us is responsible for our attitudes and behaviors. How others treat you tells you who THEY are, not who you are. Their behavior towards you and others tells you who and what kind of person THEY have CHOSEN to be - what philosophies, beliefs, and attitudes THEY have chosen to embrace and manifest in their daily lives - that they have chosen to define their identities. So, put the responsibility for the abuse inflicted on you where it belongs - on the abuser who must carry that blame and shame all alone.

Yes, anonymousgirl - you have been in hell; but even hell can look like "home" if you stay there long enough - it's that familiarity thing - we humans have survived through the millenia because of our ability to adapt. I know that we humans are all "wired" to seek love and companionship - we want good, healthy, loving relationships. However, we should never feel or believe that we need another person to "complete" us. Before you can have healthy, loving relationships with others, you must first learn to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself. You must give yourself the opportunity to become the person you can trust and rely on to act in the best interest and for the welfare of yourself, as well as others - become the person you can respect, admire, and love so you'll know what it looks like and feels like when someone else truly respects, admires, and loves you.

I'm glad you're finally free of hell and that living death, anonymousgirl - so BE free - and BE ALIVE -take possession of the power and authority over yourself and your life that is yours alone, and become the epitome, the living embodiment of all that you believe is good and right and true.

I think 2012 is going to be a banner year for you!

Wow....What an inspiration....