The Warning Signs of Abuse

I just finished reading a phenomenal book on abusive men titled "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controling Men" by Lundy Bancroft

I wanted to share what he considered the warning signs of abuse. With the exception of physical intimidation, no single warning sign is a sure sign of an abusive men but this list provides potential behaviors to look out for. In a relationship, as soon as a behavior or attitude is unacceptable to you-make it clear to your partner that behavior is unacceptable -and that if it continues you cannot continue to be in a relationship with him. If that behavior or attitude happens again, stop seeing him. The sooner you can get out of a potentially abusive relationship-the easier it is.Please do not wait around to see if these unacceptable behaviors will continue or worsen.

The warning signs of abuse

1) He is disrespectful toward you. Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows
2)He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.
3)He is controling. Control usually begins in subtle ways like droping comments about your clothes, little negative about your family or one of your good friends, pressure you to spend more time with him or quit a job/get a better job, starts to give too much advice about how you should manage your own life and shows a hint of inpatience when you resist his recommendations.
4) He is possessive. Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that abuse is down the road. If he expects you to give up your freedom to accomodate his jealousy, control is creeping up. Your social life should not have to change because of his insecurities.
5) Nothing is ever his fault.
6) He is self-centered. Early on in a relationship this may not be apparent but look out if he does more than his share of talking, listens poorly when you speak, chronically shifts the topic of conversation back to himself.
7)He abuses alcohol or drugs. although substance abuse does not cause partner abuse-often times they go hand in hand, He may try to hook you into believing you can help him get clean-which is not true or he may pressure you to participate in substance use with him.
8)He pressures you for sex, Not respecting your wishes or feelings regarding sex speaks of exploitativeness, which in turn goes with abuse,
9) He gets serious too quickly about the relationship. always wise to take steps to slow down a relationship-if he doesn;t respect your wishes in this regard, there is probaly trouble ahead.
10) He intimidates you when angry. Intimidation-even if it appears unintentional-is a clear sign that emotional abuse is on the way or has already begun. Examples: He gets to close to you when angry-in your face, he tells you he;s trying to make you listen, He towers over you, shouts you down anything that makes you finch or feel afraid, he makes threatening comments "You don;t want to see me mad.", he drives recklessley or speeds up when angry, he throws things around-even if they don;t hit u-punches wall. and obviously any physical contact-like poking or pushing you.
11) He has double standards, He has a different set of rules for his behavior than for yours.
12) He has negative attitudes toward women.Early on in a relationship he may claim he views you differently then most women-or differently than his past horrible gfs/wives etc-but that wont last. If he has stereotypical views of women;s sex roles this can also contribute to the risk of abuse.
13) He treats you differently around other people. Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when anyone is watching .
14) He appears to be attracted to your vulnerability. Ex men who are attracted to much younger women (or girls) like a 25 yr old man pursuing a 16 yr old girl-they are in completely different developmental points in life with a dramatic imbalance in their levels of knowledge and experience. An abusive man is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look up to him with awe and allow him to lead her. Other abusive men might be drawn to women who have low self esteem, limited life experience, vulnerable bc of traumatic experiences in their lives (child abuse, getting out of an abusive relationship), suffered severe loss, or even serious health problems. Be alert to a man whom seems to be attracted to power imbalances.
(Bancroft, pg.121-122)