You are not pathetic, you are HUMAN. We all yearn for answers and usually will not accept the easy answer. I think he is showing you his answer. Think of how life could be if you let him go. The pain will linger, but you are not alone. Preoccupy yourself with things you love. Surround yourself with people who truly care for you. In time you will wonder why you dwelled on him this long. Good luck :) Oh, beware, he may come running back once you stop trying. Just remember you deserve to come first. It sounds like you never will be first with him.

I know you are right. And I'm really working on "loving myself" again like I did before I met him. but I want to know if one day I'll have the last word. If one day I'll be able to stand up for myself to him and not care. But I can never do that if he never speaks to me again. And I know it's a good thing he won't speak to me, but it also doesn't feel fufilling. he's abused me and hurt me so much, it would be great to stand up for myself to him. And know that I was able to say no to someone who expects me to always say yes.

And thank you. I'm so glad I found this site. It feels good to vent and feel understood and not crazy.

I honestly didn't think about it like that, so thank you. seriously.

Happiness is the best revenge. I understand wanting to be the one who walks away so they can be the one wondering and hoping. But from the sounds of it he is no good. And even if you do think you did something wrong, he's been hurting you for too long. When you stop calling, he will wonder, and hopefully by the time he decides to talk to you, you'll be long gone and too strong to ever go back.

(:

if you want to contact him and call him and get a response then you are still "under his control" and being manipulated by him. erase his # and block his calls. stop trying to contact him. you need to move on, wanting to have the last word is still being locked in the past. codependents anon may be helpful if you want more support.

I saw him last night, and I actually got sick, as dramatic as that sounds. He was at the gym I go to, and I just focused on my phone and he just walked passed me as if he had no idea who I was. It was a wake up call for me. And really caused me to understand how right you are. I do not want to be his supply. And I refuse to be anymore because I do not get anything good out of it. I just end up obsessing over finding explanations and help and clearly if I feel I need this site he probably isn't good for me :(

i was thinking the same thing, change gyms. it's still so painful and raw for you, might be easier if you don't see him.

Thank you again guys. I changed gyms today, actually. Pretty proud of myself.

This meant so much to me. I know one day he will contact me again, especially when I go silent, but I also know I don't deserve him because no one deserves to be treated badly. And I'm still you g so this is my chance to get out now and fix it and be able to meet someone worth meeting fast. Out of curiosity, was your marriage bad? Are you still married? Is there any hope for them?

there is slight hope he will contact me again, not for the sake of taking him back but in the hopes that I will be able to look at the message or phone call and just ignore it. That is what I want more than anything, yet I also see how that means he still has control. I just feel as if he tried to contact ME for once and I didn't respond, it would tell me "hey you don't need him, look at him coming back after forcing you to leave" and that would give me a sense of "control" myself in a way. however at the same time I know that if and when he does contact me, it will take everything in me to ignore it so it is best to not hear from him at all. It is so hard. it terrifies me that people that feel the way he does exist. it's almost like I do not even look at him as a person anymore, which I know sounds cruel, but it is like he isn't, it's almost like when your driving and you get mad at the car that pulled out in front of you and don't really consider that a person with a life and family and love is driving it, if that analogy makes any sense? And my friends tell me the typical "you deserve better" which I do believe but at the same time, apparently he is not a very good looking guy, and for our age he doesn't have any life goals. Just works at a restaurant, lives with his dad STILL, no responsibilities, and it actually makes me feel good that he chooses to be this way because I feel it fits the way he treats people but at the same time I can't help but wonder why he wouldn't want me if I really deserve better? does that make sense? I'm not trying to sound cocky, it's just if I really deserve so much better why doesn't this guy who really has nothing going for him not want someone who gives him the world and has two jobs, lives on her on, goes to school, and takes care of herself (he is overweight) not get him? it's like he begs for attention from other girls, and seems to love them, but I'm disgusting to him, and he doesn't love me or care about me, but I'm the only one who does truly care. It's strange to me. Makes life seem really tough. I wish you didn't meet that man. and especially not married him. But you truly have no idea how much respect I have for you especially for leaving. I'm stuck on a six year guy, while you have atleast 30 years on him and are still able to be your foot down . So much respect from me.

That makes sense. But I guess I am just curious if he ever will see me as someone who just cared about him. Or if when I do finally move on, and am happy, if he will want me back because he won't find anyone else that will put up with his "shit" for long amounts of time. or maybe it is just done. Maybe I will never hear from him again and everything I've been through and done were never worth it, and then I'll just have to love with the thought that maybe if I didn't try so hard or attempt to be with him so much that he would have stayed. I just want to feel like I wasn't stupid. That one day he will try to come back, and that this time I won't care to have him back. the little girl and snake story made sense to me though. It sounds like me haha. I just wish I could have the satisfaction of turning him down, even if it means nothing to him, it would mean the world to me. But I don't think I'll ever get that chance, because I'm starting to realize why he'd never want to be with someone like me anyways. I'm sorry for the back and fourthness, and I hope I am not annoying you tooooo bad.

the best "revenge" you can have is be occupied with healthy, positive activites. if you stop thinking about him so much, he has no power to manipulate you. the less time you spend thinking about the "what ifs" of this man, the better. he is in the past, keep him there.

the past is for us to learn from, not for us to wish for. your recovery is in front of you. he is not,nor ever was, worthy of you. any energy/attention you give him, is wasting your precious time. even saying "no" to him is time you could be spending saying "yes" to someone better. don't dwell on your abuser, unless it's to learn how to avoid his kind in the future.

i won't even talk to my ex anymore. if he calls, i don't answer the phone. if his messages are long (we have a son) i don't listen. abusers love to waste our time and have us as their audience. don't give him the satisfaction of evening thinking about him. "i am a good person and he does not deserve me."

i understand obsessing about the past, been there, done that. i have narc mom and extremely dyfunctional/abusive family, that's been my pattern.

most of my life has been spent going from one abuser to the next, always wondering "what did i do wrong? what more can i do to please/make this person love/accept me?". i was taught to believe that it was my fault/responsibility. it's not easy to re-wire our programming but it is possible.

we have to have patience for ourselves and each other. "I am worth it, I can do this". we are all looking for love/support, survivorgirl is right; we have to re-learn where to look for it.

Know the warning signs of manipulation and abuse. Learn from books, support groups like this, therapy. practice healthy boundaries so we can be protected from "emotional vampires".

Do y'all have a hard time looking at them as "people" after all this even though no one is perfect?

i have to distance myself from my abusers in order to protect myself. it's a "cycle" of abuse that needs to be broken. there is no "nice" way to do it. i'm not saying to be mean, just be clear.

I am here with you on this. I have been a relationship like that and currenly in it. I tell myself that all the time just let go. dont be the one that keeps trying to talk and fix things. But I always fail, like i just did. my spouse tried to get me committed yesterday and but my son out of the house (to go live with his father who never sees him). I feel like I am failing him and myself. I just dont know how to pack up and leave. I have read what others have to say and yes they are right try what they say and know that other kind hearted people get hurt by those that want to be loved. I dont know you but you deserve to be loved for real not like an object.

talking to women's abuse groups/hotlines is very helpful. they give you free 24/7 counseling and never tell you what to do, never push. good people to talk to if you feel that you want to leave but don't know how. it took me years to have the strength/courage to separate from my abusive husband. so many of us don't even realize we are being abused. abuse doesn't only mean getting punched in the face, there are many forms.

Oh ladies...My heart and soul goes out to you...I was abused for many years and it was the hardest thing in the world to break free from..I mean the hardest..It was like a silent gas that just caught me..I had to physical signs so not a single soul knew but, I knew and my kids knew..After being away from him now I suffer from the most horrible PTSD ..My children suffer from all things to and if I only could change it I would..I was raised in this like this so, I did not know better..I know better now and I share every where I go..NO one can ever make anyone leave as it is totally up to that person..All we can do is love and support..I try to teach before anyone gets into to that relationship..I don't care where I am I always will teach and share with all as abuse is the most horrible way to live and most are not aware of the signs.God bless all that live in and around abuse and may you day come where you can live in peace!!!