New Post, Old Issue

By stevens on Fri, 06-24-11, 07:22

Posted in Group:

Well it has been a month since my first post and a lot has happened in that time. I will try to be brief. First off I want to thank everyone who took time to comment and give me their perspective. I greatly appreciate the support and focus it brings. Im starting a new post so I can include different groups and have only one discussion thread to deal with.
My situation is this: Troubled marriage with verbally, physically, emotionally abusive spouse who lashes out at me and the children in many areas with the biggest focus currently on my daughters piano practice.
My wife is from Japan. We have been married 11 years now. It has been a troubled marriage from the beginning. Cultural differences are there but for me, for the most part, have not been a significant challenge. She comes from a dysfunctional family where fighting, affairs, anger, trust, and money issues have impacted her. I have come from a family where I have been surrounded by love and support. Challenges in goals, communication, and life experiences are pretty disparate. On top of that she had been raped while visiting the United States a few years previous to meeting me.
Beginning a new relationship means alot of adjustment and communication. We struggled. I had depression since childhood caused by my own social awkwardness and the unkindness of the neighborhood children because of it. I never was nor have been abusive to my spouse. She has had many instances of destructive anger and unrealistic expectations. Over the years I have been called a rapist, a pedophile, accused of affairs, flirting, told I am unemployable, worthless, etc. She avoids personal responsibility for her actions and is unapologetic for her actions. When confronted by her behavior the subject is changed to throw something unrelated into the conversation or will not talk about it at all and buries it. This helps fuel the issues and increases stress. I have been deliberately misunderstood and physically hit and slapped. None of this have I done to her.
AFter one particularly nasty incident she insisted we go to counseling together. I agreed and have found it to be a life saver for my own issues. As soon as the counselor/therapist pointed out she had problems she was done. We tried twice. I continue to go on my own.
About 4 years ago she felt the need to enroll my daughter in piano, which she immediately proved to be gifted at. We rapid cycled through piano teachers and quality of pianos (Ive owned 3 pianos in 4 years time). At first I was against investing in purchasing a piano because I wasnt sure if she would stick with it. I had taken guitar as a kid for 3 years and it never took. We had a cheap keyboard I wanted to start with and we could move up. That was the start of the piano problems. We bought a used piano from the beginning but within a year purchased a brand new $3000 piano and last year upgraded to a baby grand piano at her insistence that it was mandatory for my daughter to learn correctly. Same thing with piano teachers. We started with a neighborhood mom then moved up to more professional and now we are paying $200+ a month for a college professor to teach her. My daughter auditioned and was accepted which I am proud of her for, however I am from a middle class income where this eats up all discretionary income. (Finances are an entire other matter- essentially I spend $30 at IKEA and I am wasting family money we dont have. We go to the Japanese market and come home with $400 in food and I dont say a word because I know where we live it is hard to get comfort foods.)

Of course I am seen as standing in the way of every single decision pertaining to piano and have not been supportive at all. Her resentment is entrenched and festering. Yet I have acquiesed on every boundary/decision to keep the peace. (I tried postponing a baby grand piano by trying to compromise. We would get a baby grand piano in 5 years time when my daughter becomes a teengager and I had time to save up money.) She still got the piano, borrowing money from her parents that I didnt want to borrow to begin with. My daughter is 9.
Now I am standing in the way of piano practice and how she wants to do things. She refuses to see that she IS doing piano like she wants to but keeps crossing all healthy emotional boundaries and has unreasonable expectations. My daughter was practicing 2+ hours every day, 7 days a week. If she made mistakes or got hung up on a part or was tired, grouchy, or unenthusiastic then she started verbally abusing her, punishing, or hitting. My wife has told my daughter on numerous occassions that she hates her, she is not her daughter, she is stupid, lazy, or like daddy. Her favorite stuffed animal has been sitting out on a garbage can or threatened to be cut up to pieces in front of her. Punishments are usually no tv for the day, but include sitting forever at the piano or no weekend activities or in her room. Physically she slaps my daughter in the face and considers any opinion as an excuse and adds further punishment in a game of control/dominance. No matter what I say about the abusive behavior she would not stop and started blaming me for siding with my daughter over her.
I finally set my foot down a few months ago and limited piano practice to 6 days a week with 2 hours a day max. This has really incensed her and has not blown over. Once again I logically explained that she is able to teach piano at a very high rate but that she and the rest of us need a break from the anger, stress, demands, and punishments. In my mind I am still trying to show importance to her wants but she just sees a boundary to run over. I have not acquiesed like I have in the past and this had made things much worse.
At the end of May we were discussing yet again how her behavior has impacted all of us. She changed the subject of piano to me being a rapist for copping a feel 6+ years ago. That experience changed how I approached her with problem solving. I told her that she was the cause of the contention, anger, and tension in the home and that she was avoiding personal responsibility by changing the subject or not talking about it and that she was not really interested in the relationship because she hadnt sought professional help for her issues but would rather blame others. She then told me that she hated my personality, hated me, the relationship was over, I had been a poor husband, and that the only reason she stuck around was for the kids to have me in their lives. She told me she wasnt planning to divorce me or move out but we were done as a couple and would never have sex again.
We went to Los Angeles in June for a family vacation which had been planeed for awhile. I told her I did not want her to come if she was going to be bad company. She told me she was only coming for the kids sake and the Japanese market. I enjoyed seeing family on my trip and she was o.k. company for part of it but still pulled negative tantrum, though not around family. Itold myself I wasnt going to worry about relationship issues until I got back from our trip and enjoy myself as best I could. We have been back now almost a week and already I have had a 2nd experience of I completely hate you and this or that (whatever I havent completely agreed upon or given in too) is the reason why we dont work out.
I am angry and deeply frustrated. I feel flooded with emotion and its conflicting, going in circular patterns feeding itself. My anxiety is high and I feel depressed and the negative energy feeds itself. This is probably a common reaction to be expected but it is starting to affect my physical health. I havent slept well in a week.
I was raised to believe in marriage is forever and that people give up too easily. I worry that leaving means missing out on possible growth by going through a hard time together and being stronger after coming out on the other side. Getting away from abuse is important if the person will not change but there is something I cant describe tht gets missed by just up and leaving and prevents a person from coming around. I feel powerless and that makes me angry. I cannot control other people nor fix an outcome and that partially fuels this emotional cycle. I feel unable to commit to an action of leaving the relationship while simultaneously suffering an intense need to escape the pain causing more pain and anxiety. Part of me uses the kids as an excuse to not leave, but taking the kids I dont see how I can do that either. I suffer from low self esteem to begin with so asserting myself is difficult to maintain or even being concious of what I could stand up for. Some days she is happy, most days she is ok, and some days she is really bad. It is a cycle of anxiety wondering what mood she is going to be in. We got back from our trip and monday she was blaming me and leaving me again. Didnt talk to me for a couple of days. Wednesday Im feeling all anxious and researching online relationship things and come home and she acts like nothing has happened. I had essentially worked myself up for nothing. I hate that feeling of worrying and wondering what is going to trigger her bad moods and behavior. My naivete lets me relax some days thinking it will be all right only to have the cycle repeat itself. For days or weeks after I will wait for the other shoe to drop or I will deal with a prolonged period of negativity yet feel powerless because she is the only one who can control herself.
I resent not getting through to her and having my needs minimized or being told they are wrong. I find nothing gained from behaving the same way back. She would not learn from it and I would feel guilt and shame, nor would it be very Christian. I know none of this is my fault. My conscience is clean as far as treating her with love and respect. I am far from perfect and have tried to look at anything she has told me about myself to see if I can improve myself/learn from the experience. Despite my imperfections I am not guilty of retaliation or wishing her harm. However my depression is enhanced as I turn inward and I question my self worth. I am struggling to work up the courage to leave. I also need to know what to do legally to protect myself and the children but making it as painless and non-injuring as possible to myself or to my wife. I am open to any supportive comments, insights to the emotions I am feeling, what to do, or legal advice. Again I appreciate all the comments in my other post and for the support it has been. Sorry again for the length of all this but it sums it up in a nutshell

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By stevens on Fri, 06-24-11, 07:35

One other caveat I wanted to mention. I have stood up each time my wife has been abusive to my daughter. I try to let piano practice go as long as possible without interruption but when excessive anger, punishments, name calling, or hitting begin I have gone in and ended piano lesson or threatened to cancel piano all together. My daughter loves piano and does not want to quit. My daughter also wants mom to be there and help her practice. She is a forgiving child and wants the help and guidance mom provides but dislikes the abuse, obviously. For my daughters sake I have allowed piano to go and have told my daughter that for her level of talent she is expected to practice long and hard but that it is worth if and will come to love it even more. She also knows I expect her to obey mom as long as it is not abusive and that she doesnt have to take that kind of treatment. I have also told her I am sorry how she is treated but that it is mom who needs to be apologizing.

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By Soft on Sun, 06-26-11, 08:52

Stevens: If someone, anyone, is hitting your daughter, it is YOUR JOB to protect her. As I read through your post, all I could think over and over was SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES. Your little girl is being abused, emotionally and physically, and no one is stopping it? What a sad, sad life for a 9 year old. I also have a 9 year old daughter, and if someone strapped her to a piano for 2 hours a day, 6 days a week, I'd be livid! And, I'd step in and do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop the behavior. And then if you added verbal abuse and hitting to the equation, I'd take that child and get the hell out of the house. Why aren't you protecting your daughter?

By the way, if I was 9 years old and being knocked around if I disagreed with my mom, I'd certainly also say that I love piano so much, just to protect myself from my mother's wrath.

I am sickened by the thought of your daughter having to live this way. I am a teacher. If one of my students came to me and told me she is getting hit and verbally abused over anything, let alone something like a piano practice, I'd be on the phone with CPS in a flash. I hope your daughter brings up this treatment to someone who will step up and protect her, since you are not.

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By Suzee on Sun, 06-26-11, 09:41

Dear Stevens, it is good to see you again. I am sorry that things have continued in that you and your daughter are not getting the respect and love that your wife surely owes you.

There are no easy answers for your situation. It may appear that there is a simple, black and white solution, but I remember all of the information you shared with us a month or so ago.

Please don't take offense at some of the responses, I'm sure you are going to get because it's perfectly natural when we hear "abuse and 9 year old little girl". There is no way to avoid that. We, as human beings, cannot help wanting to run into your home, grab your daughter and get her out of there!!! But, I also know the whole story. None of us are perfect and people could have made the same judgements on me when I tell them of the abuse in our home for years and I didn't get out til January.

I want to be clear though and ask, are you planning on leaving? I need to know this because depending on what you want to do will greatly determine how we respond. We do have info on getting out and trying to minimize the stress it causes, but I don't want to force it on you, if you aren't looking for information to leave.

Please let us know for sure what you would like to do so that we can do our best to be the correct support for you and your family!! I can see you have a heart of gold and I'm glad to see you reaching out again!!

Lookiing forward to hearing from you!! Hug those babies!!!

Sending hugs, Suzee

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By Soft on Sun, 06-26-11, 09:46

Hi Suzee: I could have guessed that we wouldn't see eye to eye on Steven's situation. I certainly respect what you have to say, and I'm glad that Stevens will get input from more than just one person. I sincerely hope that he makes a swift move to protect his daughter, if not himself.

On a side note, I haven't seen your name on here in several days, and I hope you and your son are doing well.

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By Suzee on Sun, 06-26-11, 10:40

Hey Soft, I guess I don't think we weren't seeing eye to eye on this. I know that your experiences and my experiences have been diffferent, but I think that's part of what makes this website such a great place to be!! We all work through our issues while learning to be true to our own views and leave room always, for another peoples experiences and feelings.

Honestly Soft, I wasn't referring to your reply at all. What I was talking about with "some of the responses" is that I know personally there will be some very abrupt, blanket statements, because that's what happened last time. My gut instinct is the same as yours. If we didn't feel the need to protect this little girl, we would need some serious help. But I have become quite knowledgable about many different abusive situations and I know personally, that someone just telling me, GET OUT OR YOU"RE A HORRIBLE PERSON, wouldn't have done me any good. What got me to leave was a couple of people figuring it out and approaching me gently with love and information. Over a period of about 7 months, I gained the strength to leave. Every single abusive situation is unique, yet very much the same.

Abuse by the person who was supposed to be your life partner, your protector, your lover, your best friend.. really kicks that crap out of us, whether male or female, and being in an abusive situation for years is like a moss that slowly, but surely spreads over our self esteem, until it all but makes us feel so worthless and helpless and worst of all, hopeless. No one wants their children to be yelled at or hit, but that's why he is here. But I will tell you that statistically Stevens has a much higher likelyhood of getting himself and his babies to a better place, because we all support his openess and we respect him. There is a real process of recovery from abusive situations that for many people starts long before the actual physical leaving.

Again, I wasn't referring to your post, but was explaining the natural response and how that type of response is normal but not always helpful.

I've been through alot in the past couple weeks so I havent' been able to be on much. I actually should be working right now!! hehehe Naughty Suzee!!

Stevens, I hope you don't mind our "side conversation" on your thread!!

Sending hugs always, Suzee

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By Soft on Sun, 06-26-11, 10:50

Hi Suzee, I am glad to hear from you. I guess my point to Stevens and any other person who is in an abusive situation, is that when the kids get involved, it takes it to a whole different level. Although his low self-esteem allows him to be abused (and believe me, I get that), his daughter is being slammed with the collateral damage through no fault of her own. Sometimes when it comes to protecting children, others need to step in when the parent can't or won't. I am grateful for agencies like CPS that will disregard the family dynamics of bullying, self-esteem, power, control, finances, or whatever, and just get the child the hell out of there.

Sorry you've had a tough couple of weeks. I hope things get better for you, me, Stevens, his daughter, and all of the people who are on this support site.

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By stevens on Sun, 06-26-11, 21:54

Hello Suzee. Nice to meet you Soft. Thank you for responding. I have been checking my post for a couple of days now hoping to get input:)
Soft, Suzee is right regarding the get out or your a horrible person/abrupt blanket statement. In my previous post I had told people I could handle bluntness but to please be kind. (Any online newspaper article comment section is rife with that type of bluntness) I expect a certain amount of that kind of reaction however and take no offense.
Thanks to your comment and following side conversation it provided explanation for my unarticulatable (?) emotional reactions/feelings when put in these kind of situations. So in the end Im really glad you both said what you said.
Suzee you seem to have a keen understanding of what Im going through and a gift for conveying empathy. To answer your question, 'am I planning to get out?', my inner workings are now preparing for that. The answer is yes, but not immediately. I want the information you and others can provide on getting out and caring for myself and kids. I have a feeling that knowing what to prepare for and how will pave the way to committing to it.
I need to know what rights I have and what to expect. What the potential risks are and personal costs. I see/know too many people who thought divorce ended things only to find out that it was really just a different way of dealing with the same person in their lives.
1. Despite all my concern over abuse, my daughter is close to mom and I worry about how taking her from home with me will impact her and/or how she will see me.
2. Despite the abuse my wife is deeply dedicated to the children, is highly protective, and is caring for them.
3. She will not give up the kids without a big fight. While I am more willing to leave now I am not sure I am ready or willing to villify her or something equally reprehensible publically to establish custody.
4. The only thing I have thought of so far is to see if I can move into my parents basement with kids and have yet to counsel with them. Everything till now has been an attempt to save the marriage/have done everything I could so when I do leave there will be no regrets on my part.
5. I have grown so much over just the past 3 months or so but this is all new territory and am feeling my way through it. As Suzee described, the experiences have taken their toll but we also work through it and the healing I am going through is the gaining of self respect and the preparation for starting over in life by accepting a loss and turning my spouse over to Gods care (and turning myself over to God more fully as well)
Comment away. I need all the help I can get. Thank you

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By Soft on Sun, 06-26-11, 22:07

Stevens: Nice to meet you, too. I probably need to just step away from this thread. Point number 2 above leaves me thinking WTF???? She's caring, dedicated, and protective DESPITE THE ABUSE?

Clearly, I am not capable of following the logic on this one.

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By tedebear on Mon, 06-27-11, 14:18

Steven If you know something is harmful I am sure you would not allow it on purpose I know when ever my ex to be would aim his anger towards our kids I always redirected him to myself . It is one of the hardest things to see happen and feel so helpless to prevent. you could call cps or leave w/ the kids but I know that has to be your choice.

I recently had to seek aid from the abuse group myself. If you do not want to leave or involve cps you might seek your local group for assistance they have much more resources available to them then we have w/o them.

section two is an issue I am familiar with my ex is a drunk its like he could abuse us but don't let an "outsider" try it. that's how allot of abuser are were their toys to play with and they do not like to share.

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By stevens on Mon, 06-27-11, 17:38

I wondered how you might respond to my numbered points above Soft. Im willing for any others reading the post comment on it. It is difficult to describe some things so they may appear as odd in print. Some things are just that way. A concept that one talks about can look extremely different in the written word.
Guess I will try to clarify more.
1. The picture of abuse that I have written is accurate but that is only one facet of life. There is more that defines you, me, my wife. Im not trying to defend the abuse or hide from dealing with reality. The abuse needs to stop and she doesnt seem to want to change and leaving may be the only option. However it is never as simple as just leave. Getting up and going maybe the solution but it takes energy, focus, planning to commit.
2. I dont tolerate the abuse. I confront it. I may or may not be doing enough but I dont sweep it under the rug.
3. You suggested CPS, an option I admit I have not considered yet and may do so. However, I tend to not trust/be cautious about involving government agencies. Today as a society we are hypersensitive about things like this and that leaves the door wide open to over reaction. What can be meant as support can make matters worse.
4. Both of my children love mother and probably dont live in fear the way I do. Mom is an active participant in our childrens life in many positive and important ways. Its the consistent crossing of healthy boundaries that needs to be addressed. The abuse cannot be used to diminish the other facets of life. It has to be weighed in with the other good and bad of her as a person. Again, this is not a justification of bad behavior used to post pone having to deal with an unpleasant situation.
I doubt I have conveyed myself in a manner that doesnt look like some kind of excuse or enabling. I cant express myself better at this time. Change is taking place in my life for the better. I need help and what my options are and am open to all comments. I find Suzee to be the kind of help/suggestion/understanding I could use the most. And please dont walk away from the thread. I need all perspectives I can get.

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