I am so glad that you are safe and getting the support and help you so need.

Blessing my dear-
CK

Thank you very much <3 I'm honestly not looking forward to going but I suppose it's much better than going to jail.

Baby, I love you. I know it is awful...more so than I can imagine. I am so, so sorry that you have had to go through this. I love you dearly and hope you can become a happy and healthy girl someday, in a good home with a nice family of your own. I am so sorry. If you get a chance to use the site, and you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. You are gonna be just fine someday, girly. Hang in there! <3

I'm bipolar with a very violent childhood that included sexual abuse and blah blah blah. I know you've heard it all so I won't bore you with repetition. I do want you to know that bipolar can be very violent in it's manic phase.

I was in a psychiatric hospital in the lockdown ward, broke out, and I'm told I found my old roommate (whom I didn't like at all) and put him in the 'medical' hospital. They say I also struck a nurse (I musta disliked her too LOL). The County Sheriffs and I had a standoff until I surrendered. They put me in handcuffs and dumped me in the State Hospital with the really scary 'crazy's'. For a few days I lived in a small prison-like room.

There's a reason I told you this. If you fight, it's gonna do you no good. If you HONESTLY decide to let them help you, expect freedom... 1st out of shackles, 2nd away from the sedation, 3rd where the doctors can help you, 4th back into the world. Even if the doctors are incompetent, you'll give yourself the opportunity to find real help outside those fences.

I fought and finally gave in. The 7 person treatment staff worked with me and I honestly improved. All I needed to do was focus on my recovery. Though the trauma you endured may consume your mind, that's ok. It's over and time to find 'you', not the one who lived a fk'd up life. Oh, and get help. Do whatever it takes to stay out of your past world. After all we endured, ain't it cool our Fairy Tale dream is more realistic and not so 'Fairy Tale'?

"WHEN YOU'VE HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES... ONE IS TO LAY IN THE STINK AND GUE WITH AN 'I CAN'T' ATTITUDE. YOU CRY TO BE SAVED, BUT NOBODY CAN SAVE YOU. OR YOU CAN TRY TO CRAWL TO THE TOP: FIGHTING, FALLING BACK DOWN, DETERMINED AND NEVER GIVING UP. THEN, IF YOU CRY FOR HELP, YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT.

Don't get discouraged, get strong. Strong, stubborn, and tough enough to stay out of your fk'd up life, work on improving 'you' and NEVER giving up... even when you can't keep going. If you ever need help with surviving those 'days', let me know. I'll show you how I kept going.

Your message touched me,
JOHN
won't quit

I was in one before once again the police and doctors trying to keep me out of jail that was when I was put on my medication for schizophrenia and Borderline. I didn't really fight too much after the second day the person across from me had a total melt down and got put in solitary I learned quickly what to do and how to act in front of people and got out of it very quickly. They tried to get me to stay in school but I was gone before the week was over and being kept back in the hideout so I started selling my medication to get a little extra cash from the streets and tried my best to get by until I made my next boyfriend to pay for things. I was hoping I'd stay out but I don't know how I honestly expected to. I was just stupid enough to go home even though that was a very bad idea.

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through I can say from personal experience it is a very shitty experience to have to face but I do agree with you about never giving up. I've been fighting my fate for a long time I'm sorry you had to find one of my posts when I was so close to giving up. I tend to be very good with manipulation luckily enough so I'm sure I won't be there long either I know how to work the doctors and the police to do what I want them too. The one good thing is I'm not 18 yet and I'm a girl so they'll want to get me back into school afterward might be hard for me but for now they're on the easier side of things.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do after I get away this time. I'm getting too old to sell myself for high prices like I do now and I can't be caught with drugs again the third charge is when they nail you. Life is tough but I'm tougher. I'll get through this no matter what it takes. I've never been th type to lay down and die that's not how I was raised. I've always had to struggle just to last through the night and it doesn't look like it's changing anytime soon.

Good luck to you and thank you for everything
-M&m

Shit! I hurt for you and I'm pissed off. You have the classic defense and survival mechanism. Close your emotions, then you can't be hurt in the most painful place... your heart and soul. What you do now needs to stop, but I know you won't. drugs make you feel good, a false feeling, and you may think sex for money is a neccessity when there are options.

When I volunteered with troubled and abused high school and jr high, I met with a 17 y.o. who ultimately gave me a large ziplock bag of drugs. He had serious family issues and it fk'd him up. We talked about a game plan and he decided to join the military in a few months. He did, the discipline got his head on straight, gave him a home and took him out of the gangs. Plus, it got him away from his family crap.

I know your things are much more serious then that. My point is you have 2 issues to decide: 1) a game plan to get you into some kind of appropriate life, and 2) you need serious psych help. You're not crazy, I am, but your heart is shut down, tragedy rolls off you like rain and it sounds like you don't give a damn. You need to deal with 'you'.

I say this because I was an abuser, very angry, with no inner emotions, all because I feared being hurt again. I turned 30 y.o. and decided to get help. It was painful but ultimately I have an appropriate, but poor and bipolar, life. It's worth it.

Send me a note, maybe I can tell you more about me and how I got out of a living hell. You said you're a manipulator so if you decide to write me, please be straight. I'll be painfully straight to you.

JOHN
Won't Quit

Luckily in my case I am not addicted to the drugs. I found out a long time ago if I take the drugs that are given to me that's less money for me and in my world money is king. If boss doesn't get enough that's more tricks you have to turn and on top of that the ones you have to do just to get food in your stomach. In my life it's more like one big game not that it's fun but everything I do has to have a strategy to it. From sex to buying food to evading anyone with connections to the police I can never do things because I want to they have to be thought out and I have to be careful. I don't get money only for having sex though I try anything I shovel snow, I cut lawns, I sell things I find in the trash, I sell things I buy, anything I can think of the problem is there's only so much I could do when I was between 13 and 16 I've only recently been trusted to do more things that I do now back then I could get quite a bit for one night especially when I was younger. I mean I would never call myself pretty but I'm not hideous either and I'm considered good at what I do so I get a lot of green for faking emotion. I see it as nothing else.

I considered going into the army when I was younger I'd beg the army to make an exception and let me join but I've always been small for my age and looked younger than I am it helped me with the police but the army wouldn't give me the time of day. I actually met someone before like you someone who volunteered to help me get through things in school. I unfortunately clinged as soon as he did one thing to make my life better. He tried to get me out with social services he tried to keep the gang away from me he even let me live with him for a few days when my boss came for me himself. He was a very good guy. Unfortunately my boss broke him slowly. He ended up being very sorry but he let me go. He gave me one hundred dollars to get out bought me the warmest clothes he could find and begged me to run. That was the end of that I never trusted anyone to help me again. I saw the damage that it did and I couldn't let myself do that to anyone else for trying to help me.

I have a very hard time with emotion. I tend to let whatever happens happen. I think that's why I'm so good with advice I can shut down my emotion and tell them what they need to do no matter if it hurts it has to be for the best not for what feels right.
1) With my IQ the colleges really want to give me a chance and when I was in school I put my everything into t so I had straight A's. If I can manage it I want to get any degree I can no matter what for and work my way up from there. I need an education and I'll do anything to make something of myself.
2) I'm planning on going through a counselor when I get older. If I get into a college there and if not when I get enough money to get a place and be out on my own. I probably could now because I'm not exactly scraping by but money goes fast and you know what I have to do to get more. I'm trying very hard to get a job somewhere though like a store but it's hard with my record when it gets cleared it might be easier for me to do. I know I need help and I do want it there's just some things that are more important at the moment such as getting away and now I have to pay for hospital bills too.

I'll send you a message so we can discuss these things more. I would like to know more about you too. I hate to say it like this I don't mean anything by it but it's very rare that I find someone on here who is more the "bad guy". I consider myself to be the "bad guy" as well so I suppose it's not an insult even though it could be taken as one. I am happy you got help it is very important and what I aspire to in my future. I tend to be very honest because of my hold on emotion not being very well. I'm very blunt because of this. I know how to work people to get what I want or need but it's out of practice and a lot of mistakes made, generally I try to be honest.

You are "real". That has nothing to do with good or bad. And yes, I was the 'bad guy'. it doesn't bother me for you to calling me a 'bad guy'. It's who I was and I'd confess it to anybody.

You're a survivor and you do whatever to survive. I'm glad you've told me some options you have. Your high IQ shows how intelligent you are, not neccessarily common-sense. You're good at manipulation and getting what you need... you think. Unfortunately, you're not in touch with yourself. That's your failure... and your safety net (just for now).

Go to college. If you hate it, go anyway. Show yourself your knowledge and ability to learn are as strong as your intelligence. That's another challenge from me. Hate it but do it anyway. There's no 'instant gratification' but a long satisfying life you'll get when you graduate. College sounds like s GREAT game plan. just like my friend who joined the military, you have a way to get away AND start a 'real' life.

If you decide on school, promise me you'll be ---100% COMMITTED---. It can be your ticket out. And if financial help is a worry, I know first hand there is plenty of assistance available. You are smart AND street-smart. You WILL succeed and will reach your goals. Someone with 10 times your inteligence couldn't deal with or resolve issues that you're capable of resolving.

Another promise you won't keep will arise one day and you'll have to deal with it anyway... finding yourself, getting thereputic help so you can open the beautiful 'you' with beautiful emotions... joy, hurt, love, peace, pain, etc. If not, you'll pay and you'll also lose real opportunities. I know, I had a chained-up crusty heart that was full of evil. A heart nobody could get into. How's your heart? While we're at it, a theme for both of us...

"DO THE RIGHT THING"!

What did you say? DO - THE - RIGHT - THING !

Take a load off you and 1) fix it with the police, 2) stop fighting true help, 3) get away from drugs no matter how little and 4) identify who you think is your friends, people that have hurt and used you, and get far away from them, including enablerers (ask me I'll explain). Oh, and cut the shit with sex, no matter the reason. It ain't a 'tool' and selling your body, even once, shows people who you aren't (that was #5).

Please don't think I'm some adult spanking you for being bad. I'm a dude that lived in my Hell-Life then turned into the victim AND the monster. I wouldn't waste yours or my time if I hadn't gotten 100% COMMITTED to fix the guy I hated... MYSELF! The therapy was difficult, painful and long, It brought out things I didn't want to, my past. Ultimately it saved my life and I stopped hating me.

I got to tell you this. All my bullshit from the past... it makes me who I am today. If I hate it, I hate myself. If I embrace it, I can embrace myself. So how do I Love myself if I hate everything I experienced in my past? You can't. I learned through God that everything is a lesson, good or bad. If we let it, those lessons turn your devastating past into your Gifts. And we can use our special Gifts to help those who walk in our shoes (God is good at pairing up the ill and the Gifted). So if you do what God asks of everybody, the lessons we learned are our Gifts to give to others. Embrace that and you'll embrace and respect yourself... if you ever get the help you badly need, remember God and Gifts. Feel the pain and hate dissipate, feel the abuse (even rape) become a Gift.

But I'm not worrying if you don't "Do the Right Things" I asked of you. One way or another, they WILL catch up yo you.

As for starting your new life, attending college and separating from your world you live today... it's your life. Continue your extremely poor lifestyle and family life, or decide if you're 100% COMMITTED to college and the goal of a real life. Don't give me excuses why you can't. With your IQ and street-smarts, give me solutions. Remember, 100% COMMITTED means you're resolved to follow it through all the way regardess the obstacles.

I feel I'm wired to help you. Why? I don't know. Is it my gift. Something probably pushed a button in me. Maybe it because I have a daughter I Love very deeply. Her weird hair colors and stye, her many tattoos, her cool but psycho boyfriend... and all I see is my gorgeous little girl who loves me so much. I have a mental picture of this tiny cute girl that you described. In my picture she's happy and life is right on target. Maybe your self-professed shortness is because my daughter is only 5'0" (she says she's 5'1", yeah right). Or maybe it's because my dog is a 5 lb Yorkie named Goofy (don't be mad, it's just a semi-joke). It's probably because I read your story and your openness. Your story touched me, and I wish I could snap my finger and all is fixed, peaceful and full of college at 6:30 am (Hehehe!).

The kids I worked with used to call me Wacko,
I wonder why?

I think I have a lot more failures than just not being in touch with myself. I may be good at taking care of myself but sometimes I have next to no common sense. Especially when it comes to things I need such as food or other things I need. For example before I ran to MA a police officer offered to buy me new clothes and I accepted. He just wanted to talk granted and try to get me to stay away from the drugs but I still accepted reluctantly.

Even if I despise college I'm staying with it. No matter what I'm reaching my potential in college or wherever I end up. I love learning new things and showing off my skills with books and understanding complicated things as far as history and literature. I will make it no matter what it takes.

I'll work it out with the police when I get the chance. Part of the reason I'm so set on going to MA is because if I go there then I can start over. None of the police know my name or what I've done. If I can start over fresh I might be able to be completely clean and show I can be good at being good.

I do what I need to for now but as soon as the chance is given I'm giving up this life completely. No more drugs no more sex no more gang anything of the sort. I'm bent of doing right and being a "good person" I just need to be given the chance.

I'm glad you managed to get through things and get help. It is very hard to get help when you have the kind of past I'm sure you have gone through. I know I didn't end up the ideal way I could have. I could have stayed in school fought to stay sane work towards a good future like some people do in my situation. I didn't look at it like that though. I looked at it as if I stayed it would be like laying down and dying. I know it's not an excuse but I did what I felt needed to be done to survive.

Don't call it failures... it's 'life' and you survived in a really fk'd up situation. That is survival and victory. However sick the abuse you endured, you kept on going. Most people crater or die. You sucked it up and survived. How's that a failure?

Not being in touch with yourself is not a failure either. That is a byproduct of the fk'd up childhood all the way to today. We naturally close ourselves up to protect ourselves. It's a survival thing our minds do. we don't even feel it happens.

It's not a failure! Tell me positives about you, even if it's in a negative situation. Tell yourself those positives.

Remember what I told you, and I truly mean this, EVERYTHING is building your GIFT in you. Know that it's the truth and you'll see the good in you while living in Hell. And I know you have a "tough bitch" side of you (LOL!) that's stubborn enough to get you to your goal of a good life. I read your messages and all I see is a 'good person' hidden in you. A girl who has a heart like I had... dead. But I can see your heart. You are not just determined to get the life you deserve, you want to feel safe to open your heart to the world. I think the tough girl has a soft heart that woud love to be loved. I see a short, hard-headed 'spark plug' allowing herself to feel and show love to the right guy and allowing him to love you back. Though he'll probably be a dork with coke bottle glasses and because you're 4'6", you'll see green boogers up his nose.

That's your new nickname... "Spark Plug". It's probably obvious what that means. If not, I'll tell you. Just don't tell my daughter, I used to call her that too. She didn't like it.

"F.N.G."
won't quit, you don't either

You are right that I could have ended it in a worse way but I consider it a failure that I could have ended up so much better. I'm sure I could have found friends if I kept trying that could have got me out faster. I was bullied in school very badly. The teachers all knew why I would come in with bruises but the other kids saw my insecurities and used it against me. Kids can be vicious.

My therapist had told me the same thing when I used to go a few months ago. She said that I could reach my potential and I'm very open to changing but I've shut myself off from everything for so long I don't know how to anymore. I'm not sure if I believe that or not but I suppose it makes sense.

What positives could I think of? I'm a good liar I'm good at manipulating people I know how to observe a situation and work the room to my best advantage I can do really well in school when I set my mind to it I have a problem with authority but I can suck it up if necessary. I don't see any of those as positives though I can think of nothing positive about me.

lol honestly I would adore dating a "dork" I love having stimulating conversations about history literature science anything of the sort. I love getting my mind working and use it. Of course I'm bad at it because after so many years of talking about nothing more than sex and drugs you start to acquire that talk and conversations so I don't see a nerd paying me the time of day. I think coke bottle glasses are adorable and I guess I'll have to start carrying around a box of tissues lol. I'm a bit taller than that though so maybe I won't have that problem.

I won't tell your daughter if you don't lol I don't mind that nickname though it's better than some of them I have.

bpdkid I am glad you are ok, I was so sorried when you didn't respond to your PM anymore. Keep me up to date and @ wont' quit I really want to talk to you through PM, I really want to hear your story ASAP. Iwill be on here tonight and I will write. I love to ask questions and I want the answers. So I really want to hear your story, THat is where I want my life to go. Hope you can talk later. Goofy

What's most amazing to me while reading this is how incredibly well one can type while handcuffed to a bed.
Do you think that this higher level of an insane asylum is going to in any way help you to find the real change you may be looking for? Do you really want to stay in chains?
or do you WANT to be FREE?
If you want to be FREE SEEK TRUTH.
No matter how far you fall there is a HAND OF KINDNESS willing to reach down to rescue your soul. An ARM that isn't too short to save you from yourself. An ear that is open to listen and a heart that is tender and merciful who's love never fails.
It's your choice who you choose to believe in this world. Nobody is too crazy or too bad to find healing.
I remember the story of a man named Legions. I met a woman like him once when I was in prison (for hitch hiking believe it or not..five day sentence with hardened criminals)
She was in solitary confinement and they'd taken everything from her, even her clothing. She was there stark naked lying in a cell and would start crying out and making all kinds of strange noise like a wounded animal. I couldn't believe she was there and not in a hospital so I asked the guard if she'd let me out of my cell to sit by hers and just pray for her, sing to her, read the Bible to her or anything at all that might bring comfort to her tormented mind.
Incredibly the guard let me out and when I got there at first she screamed and clawed at me (I was sitting outside the cell where she was being held in solitary confinement) but I started to sing just anything I could think that might calm her down and sure enough, within only a few minutes, she was peaceful.
Then I read her the 23rd psalm and every other comforting scripture verse I could find and she lay there perfectly still, just listening. She never made a sound.
She asked if I'd sing hymns for her so I sang every one I could remember from my childhood days (I'd not been in church for awhile at that time)
Within about an hour or so she fell asleep.
The woman who was the guard that night asked why I was there and why on earth would they have locked me up, then asked if I'd mind doing the same thing for that young woman however long she was there until they could get her into a state hospital.
It wasn't the first time I'd dealt with total insanity but the worst I'd ever seen someone overtaken by it.
I hope and pray you can realize that your life is precious to God who created you and healing is possible. I've known people who completely lost their minds find their souls who are now sound of mind and doing great things to help others all over the world.
You could too if you'd choose to turn from the darkness back to the LIGHT and walk in the Steps of the One who will lead you to green pastures and still waters, annoint your head with oil and heal every wound by His love.
LOVE is so much BETTER than SEX or DRUGS or ALCOHOL when it comes to filling the hole in a person's soul and making sense of such a crazy world as this one.

SPARK PLUG,

I just PM'd you. You might shoot me over my comments but they are my feelings left wide open for you to tear apart.

It's hard to see the 'good' in the evil we've experienced. Trust me, maybe not today, but someday opportunities will find you. Question is, will you have discovered the Gifts in your devastations to respond? In your worst experiences, including rape, embrace it or miss your opportunity to help others who live in your shoes. Why? BECAUSE IT HELPS YOU FIRST! Your self-esteem, your self-worth, your confidence, you could be the person you want to be. You might actually feel 'normal' (don't worry, nobody's 'normal').

Point is, IT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR LIFE, IT'S HOW YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT. Like they say "We are are own worst enemy"... and you can be your own worst enemy. You may not have realized it, but you already told me many special positives about you, and that's just a pin-needle.. for example, do you remember our discussions about your 'Gifts'? How about your manipulation of people... instead I read a girl that's in touch with other's psyche (that's a BIGGIE!). Your horrendous tragedies Gifted you with survival and coping instincts. You don't hide the truth of your fk'd up life, so many people need to hear the other side... YOU'RE A SPARK PLUG!

On the lighter side, you're worthy for anybody's Love. So many feel they're superior and too good for everyone. Truth is, everybody is superior... that's we're not clones. Instead of looking at those 'winners', look at what you have that they don't. Stud Puppy or Dork, learn to Love even if it hurts. Be brave and "Feed Your Heart", even if it fails. Just do me a favor, be APPROPRIATE and remember "Sex is not Love" (call me "Daddy"). As for the rest of the world, when they see your confidence and 'who you are', good people will show you their friendship and more. Accept it all, but no faster then the failures you can handle. They are human too, we all fail.

Embrace the bad, fill yourself with your Gifts and one day God will use it. Just be ready. Oh, BTW, this isn't about 'them'... THIS IS ABOUT YOU FIRST! Every time you mess up, it's not failure, it's what we do. Instead, realize it, know it's done, over and past and 'Learn' from it... just don't do things like I've done and put myself in danger. Until you heal, you have nothing to give.

You thought I was done. GET HELP! All I said cannot be done by yourself. Get profesional help. If that's an issue, I'll help you find some directions for assistance. Sometimes it's painful and long, requires straightening out several issues, finding where you want to go and making a plan to get there and most importantly OPENING YOUR CRUSTY CHAINED HEART and get back in Life's game... it can free you to live the life you want. Until you heal, you have nothing that you don't have now and you have nothing to give. Yes you got got it harder then most. But you and I know it's the hands we were dealt. I'm not going to let 'Life' control me... IT'S MY LIFE and the "Work's' been worth it. "Your Turn". PM me. Cuss me out, just PM me... JOHN